The Good Men Project

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May 27, 2010

From SPSMM: Celebrating Fathers

Filed under: SPSMM — Tags: , , , , — tmatlack @ 6:00 am

This essay is the latest in a series of monthly submissions from members of the Society for the Psychological Study of Men and Masculinity, Division 51 of the American Psychological Association. SPSMM’s objective is to advance knowledge in the psychology of men through research, education, training, public policy, and improved clinical practice.

By: Chen Z. Oren, Ph.D.

The recent Nike commercial with Tiger Woods and the voice of his late father strikes a chord. We are reminded of the significance of fathers. As a psychologist, I work with many dads who take pride in and also struggle with being a father. In honor of Father’s Day, I would like to offer some ideas for becoming a happier, more involved father.

Fathers have always had an important role in the family, but the demands on fathers have exploded over the last generation or two. From a father’s role being limited to income earner, fathers are now expected to provide, and also to be nurturing and supportive of their partners and children, involved in their children’s school and sports, good role models, caretakers, and so on. A unique situation is created with this shift in expectations and fathers can feel a little frustrated as they juggle different roles without much training. Boys are generally taught from a very young age to be tough, competitive, and not show feelings (and definitely don’t cry). What background do most men have to be good fathers? When you ask fathers, a majority say they did not have good role models. Almost 2/3 report that they can not use anything from how they were fathered.

I have found that most fathers welcome some coaching about being a dad. Here are some tips:

1) Recognize the positive benefits of being involved, not only for the kids and partner, but for you.
While it is true that children with involved fathers are more confident and do better in school, being an integral part of your family leads to a better you. Good fathers engage in less risky behaviors – I had a father decide to quit smoking so he could be around to walk his daughter down the aisle. Involved fathers take better care of themselves – get that pain checked out or stop putting off going to the dentist. When you are involved with your family, you are likely to be more physically active and happier too.

2) Ask for help and support from your partner.
Ask your partner to recognize your efforts of being involved. Allow yourself to ask how to do things you are not sure of. Ask to be respected when you try new things with your children. Fathers who feel supported are more involved with their kids and are more confident in their parenting.

3) See yourself as important to the next generation. How do you want your children to think about you today and in the future? What do you want them to say about you as their father? What do you want them to learn from you? What will your legacy be? Allow your answers to guide your daily interactions with your family.

I’ve never heard clients say that their father tried too hard to be part of the family, and no man has told me that he wished he was distant from his children. Focus on what you do well and bring your strengths and passions home for your kids, for your partner, and for yourself.

Happy Father’s Day

Chen Z. Oren, Ph.D., licensed psychologist and professor in the Clinical Psychology Doctoral Program, Phillips Graduate Institute, Encino, California. His main area of expertise is the psychology of men. Dr. Oren is a counseling psychologist with a private practice in Westlake Village, California. He works with men, women, and couples, and facilitates a men’s group. He is an active member of APA’s Division 51, the Psychological Study of Men and Masculinity, and currently serves as the division treasurer. With his wife, Dora Chase Oren, Ph.D., he co-edited Counseling Fathers (Routledge) , a book that bridges the gap between fathers and professional helpers.




 

May 3, 2010

From SPSMM- Dreams at Risk: Transformation to Meaning in Late Midlife Men

Filed under: SPSMM — Tags: , , — tmatlack @ 6:30 am

This essay is the latest in a series of monthly submissions from members of the Society for the Psychological Study of Men and Masculinity, Division 51 of the American Psychological Association. SPSMM’s objective is to advance knowledge in the psychology of men through research, education, training, public policy, and improved clinical practice.

By Lynda Prendergast, Ph.D.

Peggy Lee once asked  “Is That All There Is?” Many late midlife men, ages 45-65, also echo these words. Although the media has hyped the midlife crisis as the time of discontentment, lack of meaning can surprise you in late midlife as well.

The Dreams At Risk Syndrome occurs when what you’ve worked for your whole life just doesn’t have the kick it used to, or maybe you’ve been displaced by the recession and are suffering from feelings of confusion, isolation, depression, or frustration.

Experiencing meaning is a condition defined by you….your unique truth with no judgment of right and wrong.  You experience meaning when what you are doing is in alignment with your authentic self.  Yet meaning often diminishes, especially in late midlife when all is supposed to be smooth sailing.

Psychologist Carl Jung explains:

We cannot live the afternoon of life according to the program of life’s morning;

for what was great in the morning will be little at evening, and what in morning

was true will at evening have become a lie. (Jung, 1963)

When you were younger, you made choices based on life’s tasks:  Creating a dream, developing an occupation, and forming love relationships.  Washburn (1994) calls the early adulthood experience the “identity project.”

As you experience the project you create your identity as a husband, a manager, a coach, and/or a father. Now, you can assure yourself that you are someone and the ego is relieved of a sense of nothingness experienced in youth. However, the identity project can fail in two ways. It can fail by not attaining the projected life goals or it can fail by succeeding and, in doing so, you may sense that there may have been something wrong with the project, since the “Is this all there is?” question continues to plague you.

A transformation is a deep and lasting change in values, beliefs, self-identity, and sense of purpose that impacts you, your relationships, your career and your community It is more profound than a transition.

In the Dreams At Risk Syndrome, there are two ways to direct your energy to create meaning through a transformation: 1) Intentional action, and 2) Being with the process. In “intentional action,” involve others through therapy, both one-to-one and groups, go to workshops, and talk to friends. Also, spend time alone writing, meditating, researching, and clarifying your purpose.  In “being with the process,” be open to the change, find and follow your truth. Reflect on questions like: In my deepest core, what  provides me the most contentment?  What are some ideas that, in the past, I would never have contemplated? How can I be more comfortable with my vulnerability? How can I become closer to my authentic self? How can I create the life I want?  How can I take care of myself during this transformation time?

“Don’t fight it, let wash over you.  You never know what is on the other side.”

Post-Transformation often produces a focus on others rather than a focus on self, and many men simply state in a quiet, factual way, “I m different.”

Lost in a white space is the late midlife man, fighting for an identity, cautiously wavering between what was and what could be, trying to garner the courage to step forward. By opening up to unique dimensions of being, they find profound, sustainable meaning allowing an authentic life never before experienced.

References

Jung, C. (1963). Memories, Dreams, Reflections. New York: Vintage Books.

Washburn, M. (1994). Transpersonal Psychology in Psychoanalytic Perspective. Albany, New York: State University of New York.

*****

Lynda Prendergast Ph.D. is the owner of Insight Leadership Partners focusing on Leadership Development, Transformational Coaching, and Team Development.

www.insightleadershippartners.com

 

April 6, 2010

From the SPSMM: Men’s Role in Violence Prevention

Filed under: SPSMM — Tags: , , , , , , , — tmatlack @ 6:00 am

This essay is the latest in a series of monthly submissions from members of the Society for the Psychological Study of Men and Masculinity, Division 51 of the American Psychological Association. SPSMM’s objective is to advance knowledge in the psychology of men through research, education, training, public policy, and improved clinical practice.

By BRIAN KASSAR

In my job I speak to men about sexual violence prevention. These men have varying reactions. Many are curious, interested, pensive, and inquisitive. Others are bored, indifferent, defensive, or disengaged. I can understand their reactions. Many of us in the violence-prevention field have not done a good job of engaging men. Sexual violence often is labeled as a women’s issue, which is perhaps one of the most effective ways to ensure that men will tune out. Talking at men as potential perpetrators creates shame and defensiveness. The men who are not or will never be perpetrators think, “I’m not a rapist,” and there ends the discourse. It also negates the fact that many men and boys themselves (one in 33 as adults, one in six as kids) are victims of sexual violence.

Talking about sexual violence as a men’s issue involves men in new ways: as advocates, role models, mentors, and educators. Men Stopping Rape—the program I work for—strives to involve and empower men in these roles. We provide education about legal definitions of sexual assault, rape, and consent. Most importantly, we create a safe space to engage men in discussions about these issues.

While most men certainly understand the concept of rape, many college men struggle with the nuances of consent. Given the mixed messages young men receive, this isn’t surprising. Movies, songs, television shows, peer groups, and masculine gender norms propagate messages to get laid, see women as objects, be sexually aggressive and persuasive, and use alcohol to facilitate sexual experience. Yet the law defines consent as the presence of a “yes,” freely given without coercion, and without the presence of drugs or alcohol that leads to “mental/physical incapacitation.”

Men are often faced with pressures to conform to the aforementioned masculine ideals. Speaking out against them or discussing their own victimization brings taunts of being gay, a bitch, a pussy, a fag. And we wonder why it’s difficult to get men to sign on to violence-prevention efforts?

Our primary goal is to empower men as advocates and bystanders. We educate men how to be supportive to friends who disclose being victimized. We teach men how to speak out against all levels of sexual violence, from language and jokes (“I don’t like it when you refer to women as bitches”) to gender norms (“Why is it so important to get laid?”) to intervening when a friend is too sexually aggressive (“I think she might be pretty drunk; why don’t you get her number and hook up with her tomorrow?”).

I share these experiences as a positive example of what men’s violence prevention can look like.  Men have tremendous potential to be leaders in violence prevention on their campuses and in their communities. Organizations such as Mentors in Violence Prevention, NOMAS, A Call to Men, and Men Against Sexual Violence provide information and opportunities to learn more.  Campus and community crisis/prevention centers offer ways to volunteer and get involved in local efforts. Do something to become a role model in the effort to end sexual violence.

*****

Brian Kassar, Psy.D., is a licensed psychologist at Montana State University’s Counseling and Psychological Services. In addition to serving as the outreach coordinator and coordinator of men’s services, he is the program director for Men Stopping Rape at the MSU VOICE Center. He teaches a course in the study of men and masculinity, and he has presented on men’s issues and violence prevention at several conferences in the United States and the United Kingdom.

 

March 4, 2010

From the SPSMM: Men, Conflict and Community—Focus on Relationship

Filed under: SPSMM — Tags: — tmatlack @ 7:00 am

This essay is the latest in a series of monthly submissions from members of the Society for the Psychological Study of Men and Masculinity, Division 51 of the American Psychological Association. SPSMM’s objective is to advance knowledge in the psychology of men through research, education, training, public policy, and improved clinical practice.

By BRIAN J. MISTLER

Two heads are better than one. Most of us understand that this maxim speaks to the importance of community. Together you and I can do more than either of us could do apart. Relationships help us achieve greater life satisfaction; build bigger, better things; and make more money. In the language of business, focusing on relationships adds value to the bottom line.

And most of the time we do value our relationships. But often we—I mean, especially we men—act as though we don’t value relationships. In fact, I frequently see men damaging and even destroying relationships they say they value and have certainly worked hard to create. Why? Usually because anger, pride and a belief that pushing back is the way to get what we want causes us to lose focus. The irony is that when we do this, we are often acting in a way that gives us less control and less of what we want.

It’s not a surprise. As men, we grow up idealizing the battle-hardened, zero-tolerance gun slingers who embody the archetype of the detached man doing what it takes to get what he wants. In the Wild West the quickest gun wins, and callin’ me a name is reason enough to shoot ya’. A few thousand movies and maybe a couple playground battles later, and we get it: If someone hits you, hit him back. Of course this often degrades into a broad teach-them-a-lesson mentality, and one that doesn’t apply just to hitting. It applies whenever our pride is threatened or our ego bruised.

Perhaps a tit-for-tat approach is the best way to handle substantive negotiations. If we’re dividing up the marbles, justice may be approximated when I give you another marble only when you give me one. If instead we’re talking about community building and our long-term individual and group interests, we do a heck of a lot better if we also focus on our relationships. And there’s no risk’ Things like compassion, appreciation, and forgiveness are not limited resources.

So as a man, how can I begin to focus more on relationships? To start, listen—listen unconditionally. If I seek first to understand you, I benefit whether or not you reciprocate by understanding me.

Next, be consistently respectful. If the other guy or gal is being unreasonable and antagonistic, I can still do my part by behaving in an honorable, constructive way. In this way, I hold on to the power I have to prevent our conflict from escalating out of control when there is miscommunication and overreactions. In their book Getting Together: Building Relationships as We Negotiate, Roger Fisher and Scott Brown of the Harvard Negotiation Project reach this same conclusion: Putting relationships at the center of our negotiation strategy is critical.

It turns out the Wild West was not tamed just by lone gunslingers—far from it. America was built building by building, town by town, through countless acts of cooperation.  The same is true for today’s communities. Same is true for today’s workplaces, universities and families.

To build a relationship long-term, we can’t make our relationship conditional on the outcome of each quibble. Sure, I’ll lose sometimes. Would I rather get what I want? Absolutely. And if the relationship consistently causes me more pain than it’s worth, you better believe I’ll find another relationship.

Until then, if I can keep my head in the game and focused on the relationship—even when my girlfriend, boyfriend, spouse, partner, work colleagues, or family members do not behave the way I would like—I’ll ultimately have better relationships and get much more of what I want. While two heads are better than one, one is better than none.

*****

Brian J. Mistler, PhD, is a psychologist at Hobart and William Smith Colleges and a senior business consultant with Excellence Tree. Named an International Ambassadorial Scholar by Rotary in 2001, Dr. Mistler received his master’s degree in conflict resolution from the University of Bradford in the United Kingdom and regularly provides consultation and training in conflict resolution and building multicultural communities. He is the author of more than 50 scholarly and popular articles and a member of APA Division 51 (the Society for the Psychological Study of Men and Masculinity).

 

February 2, 2010

From the SPSMM: The Masculinity Crisis, Redux

Filed under: SPSMM — Tags: , — tmatlack @ 7:00 am

This essay is the latest in a series of monthly submissions from members of the Society for the Psychological Study of Men and Masculinity, Division 51 of the American Psychological Association. SPSMMs objective is to advance knowledge in the psychology of men through research, education, training, public policy, and improved clinical practice.

By RONALD F. LEVANT

I once wrote, in regard to the masculinity crisis of the 1990s, What it means to be a man today is one of the most persistent unresolved issues in mens lives. Men feel that they are being told that what they have been trying to accomplish is irrelevant to the world of today. Since women now work and can earn their own living, there is no longer as much need for Mr. Good Provider.

Unfortunately, this crisis is still with us. If anything, it has intensified, as a result of the continuing imbalance between womens and mens work and family roles. With the majority of adult women in the work force, very few men are sole providers and most are co-providers.

A New York Times article on a recent Pew Research Center report highlights this point. The story notes that Men are now increasingly likely to marry wives with more education and income than they have.

Womens roles have changed since the late 1960s. They have been managing both family and career responsibilities for decades. They have combined traditional feminine pursuits, such as love, family, and caring for others, with newer ones for women, such as independence, career, and defining themselves through their own accomplishments.

Some of us men have changed too and scrapped our old definitions of manhood as good providers. Instead we view ourselves as good family men who can fully share parenting and housework with our working wives. Those of us who have chosen this path have increased our openness to relationships and our participation in the emotional and domestic arenas of life. We who have done this have renewed our relevance to todays world.

However, too many guys still cling to the older definitions that emphasize work and individual accomplishment over emotional intimacy and family involvement, thus making themselves irrelevant. It is puzzling that so many men have resisted change in role definitions in light of the fact that many, if not most, of us are not the good providers for our families that men have traditionally been.

To address these issues I suggest that we reexamine our notions of what it means to be a man and confront our archaic ideas that it is unmanly to cook, clean or care for a child. This may be hard to do, because we learned as kidssometimes the hard way, from the violence of our peersthat it was absolutely imperative to uphold the traditional male code. Hence, even thinking about this may make some of us feel ashamed and less of a man. But why, really? Whator whoare we afraid of?

Mens groups can be vehicles for men to offer support to each other to brave this shame, confront the old models, and develop workable new ideals for being a man. For example, if you have young children at home, you can take the morning shift, waking the kids and getting them dressed, fed, and off to day care or school. Or you can take the evening shift, picking up the kids and getting them settled in their evening routines while you prepare supper.

Guys, lets do it. We have nothing to lose but our irrelevance.

*****

Ronald F. Levant, EdD, is professor of psychology at the University of Akron. Dr. Levant is the cofounder and was the first president of APA Division 51 (the Society for the Psychological Study of Men and Masculinity). His books include Between Father and Child (1991, Penguin); Masculinity, Reconstructed (1995, Dutton); A New Psychology of Men (1995, Basic Books); Men and Sex: New Psychological Perspectives (1997, John Wiley & Sons); and New Psychotherapies for Men (1998, John Wiley & Sons).

 

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