The Good Men Project

"Good Men is a revelation, a frank, exhilarating glimpse into the lives of men who are on the quest toward self-awareness."

Neil Chethik

author of FatherLoss and VoiceMale

February 16, 2010

Margin Call

Filed under: Fatherhood, Guest Blogger, Work — tmatlack @ 7:00 am

By DAVID PETRIE

One Friday night, as I stood in the kitchen cleaning up after a late dinner, my oldest walked in from the playroom, visibly displeased. She said, “Well, I’m glad to see you can make the time to do dishes instead of watching a movie with your kids.”

My daughter marched off and left me to chew over what I might have told her if I had thought of it faster. I wanted to explain to her that I was cleaning up so she didn’t have to. My wife and I often speak about giving our children more chores. That night, when my daughter chastised me while I was up to my elbows in dirty pots, she almost ruined a sweet deal for all of them.

As I loaded the dishwasher I thought of the long list of other things I “make the time to do” instead of spending the time with my children. There are the walks I take by myself weekday mornings—from my car to my desk on the third floor. On warm spring mornings I cut through the back parking lot and often catch a whiff of diesel exhaust coming from a tractor-trailer at the loading docks. The smell makes me think of school busses and the field trips my wife chaperones while I edit catalogs and respond to e-mails.

Or there was that afternoon that I spent writing a quarterly report while my wife took the children to get their teeth cleaned. I was likely squinting at a spreadsheet when the dentist appeared in the waiting room and announced that my kids were all cavity-free again. I found this out at dinner that night, but by then the victory in the war against plaque had faded.

Or there was that time I returned to my desk tired from a too-long meeting to find four messages from my children’s school. The boy was sick. In the first message the nurse asked if I knew where my wife was. In the second message the nurse asked if I could come and fetch the boy. In the third message the nurse told me that she still hadn’t found my wife but she had found the friend who we had listed for emergencies and he was on his way. The fourth call was from our friend. He was at my house where the boy had settled in with some ginger ale.

I haven’t told my daughter about how every sunny afternoon around three o’clock I look out my office window and picture my children racing out the front door of their school into an afternoon that holds the promise of freedom and fun and games and laughter. I allow myself a few minutes to think about them before forcing myself to focus on the work on the gray desk in front of me.

I think of how many hours I spend away from my children working with other people and some days I wonder if it is worth it. Yes, someone needs to pay the bills. Yes, we want our children to grow up in a warm and comfortable environment with a little more than the basic necessities. Yes, we want one of us home after school and during vacations and on snow days, and by the luck of the draw and a graduate degree I happened to be the one who could make more money by working full time.

It still hurt on that summer Saturday when I climbed behind the wheel to drive the family to the lake. The boy, experiencing the summer-vacation bliss that allows young children to completely lose track of the days of the week, opened his eyes wide and exclaimed with excitement, “You mean Daddy’s going too?”

Like others who try to balance full-time jobs with family, like my father before me, I push my life to the margins of the day and offer my most talented hours to the highest bidder. I do this for my children. I’ve read about “brave” men who have given it all up to focus on raising their children. Three pages in I usually find where the wife works full time. In those houses the angst and frustration simply shifted.

If my oldest had waited on that Friday night I would have told her that in some ways she was right. Dishes can soak until children go to sleep. Cleaning up after dinner can be another task to push to the margin of the day. But parents need sleep too, so I scrubbed away.

*****

Read more of David Petrie’s writing at his blog, Daddy’s Home, where this essay originally appeared, and follow him on Twitter at twitter.com/davidpetrie.

 

November 9, 2009

US GUYS…

Filed under: Work — tmatlack @ 5:10 am

Marketers are behind on manhood. Way behind. Think about the characters on television (Two-and-Half Men comes to mind) or the way Madison Avenue sells us beer or razor blades. It’s as if men fall into just two camps: ultra macho or ultra stupid.

Now think about our President, whether you agree with his politics or not. A 40-something guy, he strives for work/life balance. He’s a dedicated husband and father. He reads constantly and attempts to approach his life in a thoughtful, analytical manner. But his life isn’t easy. In fact it’s damn hard.

Not all of us are the leaders of the free world, but the vast middle of American men–the Average Joes–these days are very different from those of our dads’ generation. Most of us, like our President, are trying to be good fathers and husbands while answering the call at work, despite a world that’s in chaos. We read. We think. We are not 007, nor are we the geeky, moronic guys with model wives who seem to be the rage on the big screen (Knocked-Up).

There are signs that consumer product companies are catching on. P&G made the following announcement in the Wall Street Journal: http://bit.ly/TPjgd

It’s about time. We Average Joes are sick of being portrayed as stick figures when we have blood, sweat and tears and–I know it’s hard to believe–brains.

8172006crowd_of_men_19062

 

September 7, 2009

Guest Blog: “Men at Work” by Paul Kidwell

Filed under: Guest Blogger, Work — tmatlack @ 5:29 am

250015747_d5558a2267

Men at Work

I’ve always found it ironic that the acknowledgement of the Labor Day holiday is celebrated by a day off from the very thing we are holding in high esteem. Honoring work by not working? Seems like the best way to venerate this day would be to put in a hard 8, 10 or 12 hours of work, not by relaxing at the beach, grilling up a plateful of burgers or wieners, or nursing a cold glass of lemonade as you sit poolside and watch summer fade into the cool clutches of autumn.

No topic is more incendiary than man and work, clearly dividing us into two camps. Those who love their job and accept the fact that it may occupy far too many hours of your life; robbing them of important time spent with friends, family, or the pursuit of a life outside of work? Those who put up with the 2,000 pound gorilla in the room that is essential to survival and its ability to provide life’s basics such as food, hearth and home. Not to mention a new car every five years, an occasional vacation, college fund, the capacity to send your dress shirts out for laundering every week, and overall financial well-being.

There is a myth about the dying man saying how much he regretted spending too much time at the office and removed from those things that truly mattered to him in life, and encouraging his son not to fall prey to the same pitfalls that left this man mostly unfulfilled at the end of his life. “Nobody wishes they had spent more time at work,” so goes the final deathbed words of this fictitious man. Now, counter that with my father’s yearning that he had been more active during the last years of his life; even up until the end.

Not unlike many workers who reach the age of 65 and are eased into retirement, my father found himself with few available work options to continue his career and stay busy and fulfilled. He had been a high school educated blue-collar machinist all his life which left him with few skills adaptable to the evolving work force of the 1980s-90s when he accepted mandatory retirement. Once a robust man of great physical strength and unquenchable desire for whatever unknown was around the next corner, he began to shrink and was mostly forgotten. There was no place for him at his old job or any similar position despite his ability to perform, and he was forced to acquiesce to the only “career” option that appears to be available to many aging workers; accepting a small little part-time job bagging groceries. A once towering man had become almost invisible by his inability to work.

His greatest personal disappointment was not remaining active at work – or not being allowed to do so – and I recall the many conversations we had during those last years when he talked about what he had lost by not working. Unlike the man who regrets the time spent at work, my father instructed me in the importance of work and how it validates and defines our existence. And I agree.

His words reminded of the Marge Piercy poem “To Be of Use” in which she writes:

Greek amphoras for wine or oil,
Hopi vases that held corn, are put in museums,
But you know they were meant to be used.
The pitcher cries for water to carry and a person for work that is real.”

My father, and many like him who yearned to be used, were like the empty museum pieces that were made to carry and be used; not to be put on a shelf and watched.

Besides family, working is the one thing that injects the truest meaning into our lives. It not only offers monetary fulfillment, but also gives our life structure, and helps create self-worth. At work, an employee performs a much-needed task, whether CEO or night cleaning person; and if each job is not performed, a business will not operate successfully.

Men have come under fire in recent years for putting career in front of the development of a personal life. Selfish, myopic and insensitive are a few of the descriptive terms used to depict what I feel is only a man’s instinctive pursuit of that which perhaps makes him a man. No disrespect to family, the cultivation of friends and building a life outside of work, but it is work that drives us as a gender. Want a barometer of how we feel about our jobs and careers, and its place in our lives. Don’t ask us our thoughts after we’ve put in an 18-hour day crunching on deadlines, or pushed a tractor trailer from Saginaw to Worcester on snowy highways, or filled in on the nightly cleaning crew that you normally supervise because one of your workers called in sick at the last minute. No, better to ask a man his feelings about work when he doesn’t have any. After the factory closes, or your company is downsized and jobs are eliminated. This is when that man – who is staying home as his wife, friends, and colleagues all go to work – will feel the sting of job loss and the death of their sense of self.

I’m not lobbying for all work and no play. Don’t want to make us all dull boys. No, a career and life outside of work (whether you are married with kids, or single) are equally important and should comfortably intersect, and not run at odds with one another. Both are life-long pursuits that fuel the other. I know that I am happiest at my job when I feel that time spent with family or pursuing avocational pastimes are fulfilling and rewarding. The converse is true and I seem to have a better time with my family during those times when I am “kickin’ butt” at work. My advice to all men is never to stop working. I’ll give you Labor Day. After all, everyone deserves a break now and then to re-fuel; even men. But use the time off to re-focus and set your personal compass to the one thing that characterizes us as men. We are workers; all of us.

And as you do it, consider more advice from poet Marge Piercy, who nailed it when she wrote:

“I love people who harness themselves, an ox to a heavy cart,
who pull like water buffalo, with massive patience,
who strain in the mud and the muck to move things forward,
who do what has to be done, again and again.”

 

July 15, 2009

Daily Blog: Recollections of Hanging with a Rock Legend Tom Morello

Filed under: Daily Man, Work — tmatlack @ 5:28 am

morelloimages

ONE MAN REVOLUTION

Tom Matlack

Tom Morello, lead guitarist of Rage Against the Machine and The Nightwatchman, is rockin’ a guitar riff with his tongue at the Berklee School of music in Boston as the crowd goes wild.  This is the next to last stop on his “Justice Tour.”  All the proceeds from tonight’s show go toward the fight for universal health care.  Morello has assembled two rappers, a local boy-wonder folk singer, and a couple of well known rock bands to play for anyone willing to come out on a rainy Sunday night and shell out $15 for a seat.  Morello has told the crowd that he is sick of fans telling him that they can beat him at the video-game Guitar Hero.  He promises to blow their minds tonight and the more than mildly suggestive toothsome playing has the crowd in frenzy.

The mood back-stage is jubilant and loose-an extended jam session.  I’m sitting on a big black speaker box just out of sight of the audience but about five feet from the drum set, put to good use by a series of small well-muscled men with fast hands and big biceps with names like “Mad Dog.”  Gary Cherone from Van Halen wanders up from the dressing room to slap me on the back and watch his friends play.  I get feeling these guys don’t really care if there are five people in the crowd, or five thousand.  They’re on fire.

“PEOPLE, are you having a GOOD-MOTHER-FUCKING-TIME?” Morello yells enthusiastically.  As he comes off stage, after introducing the next act, he sees me sitting with my notebook open.  He walks over to ask, “How are you doing man?  Can I get you water or a whiskey?”

Morello’s second solo album, “The Fabled City,” is due out in October along with a documentary movie about the Justice Tour.  The timing is not an accident.  He is as passionate about politics as he is about music.  His background is almost identical to Barack Obama’s.  Morello’s parents met during the struggle in Kenya for independence.  They traveled back to New York, where Tom was born, when his dad became Kenya’s first black delegate to the United Nations.   Soon thereafter his dad returned home to Kenya.   His white mom took Morello to rural Illinois to grow up the only black kid in an all-white town.  His Kenyan father disowned him, denying his very existence.

Morello was the first student from his High School to attend Harvard. His Harvard classmates recall him as the Jimi Hendrix disciple who started the Ivy League’s first heavy metal interest group.

I join Morello and the rest of the musicians on the Justice Tour in Boston.  He is wearing mirrored sunglasses, his trademark baseball hat, and black boots with bright red laces.  Everyone except Morello has on Converse sneakers.  We all pile into a van to ride over to sound-check.  Some light rock ‘n roll banter about hookers and drugs breaks out in the confined quarters of the beat up vehicle (which I take to be in jest).  Wayne Krammer of the MC5 pipes up.  “Hookers?  I was in the fucking gym at nine this morning watchin’ Meet the Press!”

I don’t let on that I already know that The Motor City Five (“MC5″) was one of the most influential bands during the 1960s, because my own father was a leader in the Civil Rights and Anti-War movement, risking his life in Mississippi in 1964, sending his draft card back to selective service and helping Daniel Berrigan, a Catholic priest who was one of the ten most wanted men in the country, escape the FBI.  MC5’s politics and sound was born out of watching their hometown of Detroit burn to the ground during the summer of love in 1967.  Poet John Sinclair formed the White Panther Party and named MC5 its official voice.   The WPP endorsed the Black Panther’s agenda fully through “total assault on the culture by any means necessary, including rock ‘n roll, dope and fucking in the streets.”

On August 25, 1968 MC5 and lead singer Wayne Krammer-dressed in the American flag-took the stage in Grant Park, Chicago, against the direct threat of violence by Mayor Daley.  The police moved in, tear gas rained down, and the band and protestors were beaten with billy clubs, losing all their equipment and sparking a week of demonstration and violence.

Back in the van Morello laughs at Krammer and tells me, “Wayne is the titanium backbone of this tour.”  The conversation quickly turns to Obama’s performance on the Sunday chat shows.  “How did our guy do?” Morello asks.  I listen closely since Morello’s similarities to Obama have led many to press him to endorse his apparent twin.  Privately, Morello has confessed to me that he was deeply moved by Obama’s speech on race.  But publicly he maintains that he will endorse the first candidate who promises to prosecute Bush for crimes against humanity.  His whole point is that people change the world, not politicians.  We shouldn’t wait for the system to magically change by itself.  We should, “Fuck it up!”

Still, I’ve noted a lot of Obama’s “change” language in Morello’s recent concerts, and in the van it’s clear these guys are Obama supporters.  “He did well,” Krammer tells Morello.  “He actually thinks about his answers, which could be confused with indecision even though it’s not.  He has a nuanced view of the world.  Hillary speaks in sound bites that mean nothing.  Barack actually tries to answer the question.”  Morello wants to know whether anyone asked if Obama was going to debate Hillary again.  “Obama said he had already debated her twenty-two times.  Give me a fucking break.”  They all laugh.

During the sound check before the concert, Morello plays cuts from his first Nightwatchman album on his acoustic guitar.  Rappers and folks singers arrive to hugs and high-fives.  During the sound check on House Gone Up in Flames-a song about “Colin Powell’s lies” in Iraq-Morello sings the lyric “It was in St. Peter’s denial that he’d thrice deny” which leads to an extended Biblical discussion.  Morello expounds on the Last Supper and its relevance to our foreign policy.  Once the sound is to Morello’s liking, it’s time to run through the individual artists, figure out who’s going to play with whom, and finally figure out a play list.  In less than an hour the doors open.

Boots Riley, a poet and free-style rapper whose hair looks distinctly like Don King’s, tries a bit of his “5 Million Ways to Kill a C.E.O.”   Next, Mr. Lif, a rapper with long and thick dread-locks down his back, comes on stage for the last sound check.  He needs Morello, Krammer, and the rest of the traveling band to back him up.  Lif hands his Ipod to the technician running the sound board.  Now it’s twenty minutes to doors.  The music blares over the concert speakers as Morello concentrates on each note to try to learn the song.  As time runs out, Morello looks over at me and yells, “It is all going to come together.  You can tell by my relaxed demeanor!”

As the crowd files in upstairs, Morello tells me in the dressing room about his 1994 visit to Kenya to try to reconcile with his dad.  The trip had failed, their relationship remaining estranged and his dad’s new family, including three half brothers, still unaware that Morello existed.  But several years later, one of his brothers, Segeni, made his way to Georgetown University for college.  While searching the web about their mutual father, Segeni found a mention of the connection to Morello, who happened to be on the cover of Rolling Stone.  Still not believing he had a rock star American brother, he ran down to the newsstand to stare at the pictures of Morello.  As it turns out Morello and his dad share a striking resemblance.

Taking the stage as part of the permanent band on the Justice Tour, Wayne Krammer has changed his worn Converse sneakers into brand new white ones.  Krammer, who must be close to 70, asks the crowd, “Where is Lee Harvey Oswald now that we really need him?” as he and Morello dig into MC5’s most famous, and controversial, song “Kick out the Jams, Motherfucker!”

Jesse Malin, known as a punk rocker with a soft heart whose career has been fostered by Ryan Adams and Bruce Springsteen, takes the stage next with only a female keyboard player dressed in black and sporting four-inch heels.  I am reminded of both Neil Young and Green Day as he a sings a track off his first album, The Fine Art of Self-Destruction.

“Writing songs is kind of like masturbating,” he tells the crowd.  “I need to find that quiet moment when no one is around.  The good thing about living in New York is I can walk around while I’m writing and no one bothers me.  One day on the Upper West Side, I crossed the street and accidentally bumped into this little lady.  I looked down and said to myself, ‘Oh, shit that’s Yoko.’  When I got home I started to play my guitar and write some lyrics.  My cat looked at me like ‘what the fuck?’

“The song became my own little Rorschach test.   I finally realized that it was about that whole generation that I missed out on.  Even my friends who were so punk rock and hard core-who wanted to change the system and fuck things up-had to go on and become part of society and have kids and get jobs.  But imagine losing John Lennon-your partner and a Beatle-with whom you were going to start a revolution to change the world with peace.  The song started to come to me more and more as I thought about how you might think you are so radical and still want to fuck things up but you still have to go to Toy-R-Us and stare at Jeffrey the Giraffe, or you have to go to some job you fucking hate.  But when you look in the mirror you still see that guy who wanted to change everything.”

Chetro Urmston and State Radio, who often open for Dave Matthews, take the stage carrying trays of electric guitar pedals.   As Chetro plugs in, I hone in on his huge curly blond afro and the box of welded scrap metal with strings which is apparently his guitar.  He turns to ask, “Mad dog, you ready?”  The drummer, a mild-mannered twenty-something with a soft beard and grungy clothes, nods his head yes and without warning dives into a solo more than worthy of his nickname.  Chetro belts out their hit song CIA (with the chorus “Don’t you ever let us down!”)  The reggae sound and hard-driving beat are transporting.

Chetro follows up with Camilo, a haunting song about their friend who served in Iraq, came home after his first tour of duty, became a conscientious objector, and refused to go back.   The song recounts how he was tried and found guilty of deserting the Army and served nine months in military prison.   “Oh my country won’t you call out, doorbells are ringing with boxes of bones, from another land’s war torn corners, to a prison cell of my own.”  I have been trying to keep up my defenses but something about the sound pierces my heart.  In the coming days, I begin to play the song every morning on the way to school drop-off only to find out it has long been my fourteen year old daughter’s favorite video on YouTube.

“Light that shit up!” Morello commands the audience as he comes back on stage.  “Hold up that blackberry where I can see it.”  The crowd is now awash in the glow of blue screen light.  He explains that the Justice Tour is about liberating the country and by our very presence Boston is now a free zone.  But there is more to be done.  “Text ‘AI5055′ right now to send a message that we won’t stand for torture.  We demand Guantanamo be torn down!”

He has just visited Walter Reed, he explains, and is thinking about what victory in Iraq might look like, since the Iraqi people and the American people have already lost so much.  Victory might mean bringing those responsible for crimes against humanity to justice, he says.  “So when they tear that mother down they might want to save one cell for George W. and his buddies and make sure to pipe in plenty of Rage Against the Machine!”  As Morello rips into the opening bars of Fortunate Son, backed by Kramer, he thanks the audience for their kind attention but tells them “it’s time to make some fucking noise!”

Backstage, Morello tells me about making the Rage video for Sleep Now in the Fire with Michael Moore on Wall Street.  Morello, who had been arrested scores of times, asked Moore before they started shooting how many times he had been arrested.  He was shocked when Moore admitted, “Never.”  The idea was to film the video on Wall Street during lunch hour, as the traders and brokers flooded into the streets.  They had a permit to play on the steps of the Federal building across from the New York Stock Exchange, but not in the city streets.  Soon Morello was enveloped in a sea of traders as he went crazy on the guitar.  Moore told the band to move down into the street and keep playing no matter what happened.

The City Police Sergeant made it very clear the band had to move back onto the steps and physically attempted to restrain them.  He got more and more upset as Morello and the rest of the band continued down into the street.  Finally, he reached over and unplugged Morello’s guitar.  To the Sergeant’s great amazement the music didn’t stop, since it was being piped in for the shoot.  “The look on his face was like the first time cavemen saw fire,” Morello recalls.  “It was like Rage had some magical power over the police.”  The Sergeant looked at Morello in disgust and then at base player Tommy C, who is built like a superhero, and walked straight between them to throw handcuffs on Moore, arresting him and dragging him off.

Morello didn’t start playing guitar until he was seventeen.  “I didn’t choose the instrument, it chose me like a viral infection,” he explains.  “I couldn’t get rid of it.  So I came to see my responsibility as weaving my convictions into my vocation.”  After Harvard, Morello packed his Chevy Astro van and drove to Los Angeles with a thousand bucks in his pocket.  He arrived knowing no one and suffered through a series of “soul-crushing” jobs in retail before becoming Senator Alan Cranston’s scheduling secretary for two years.  Even though he respected the Senator’s politics, Morello was shocked to learn that on a daily basis Cranston spent his time calling up rich guys to ask for money.  For the first time he saw “the duck-tape that holds our democracy together.”

Morello’s first record deal was with a band called Lock-Up.  They produced an ill-fated record entitled, “Something Bitchin’ This Way Comes.”  The band and record went nowhere.   At twenty-six, Morello thought his musical aspirations were over.  Rage Against the Machine formed in August of 1991.  Where Lock-Up had tried to play by the rules, Rage most certainly did not.  “We had no expectation of even being able to play a show,” Morello recalls.  “We were perfectly content to make a cassette and sell it for $5 to anyone who would buy it.”   The band caught fire.

In retrospect, Morello sees their success as the juxtaposition of real world events like Rodney King and massive feigned rebellion in the music world.  Rage’s rebellion was for real.   They were an ethnically mixed group who played Neo-Marxist rants.  “In our first single we shouted ‘fuck-you I won’t do what you tell me’ sixteen times in a row” he recalls.  At first American censors outlawed the group.  They became huge in Europe before taking American music by storm.

In recent years Morello has moved away from his monumental electric sound and struck out on a solo acoustic career.  An unlikely convert to folk music, he says, “Sometimes three cords and the truth can be just as powerful as a wall of sound,” quoting his friend Bono’s version of the famous Hendrix line.  Besides, it frees him from the chaotic personalities of a rock band and all the equipment that goes with it.  “If I want to raise money for a buddy in jail on protest I just throw my guitar in the back of the car and go.”

The next day, as we gather to get back into the van for a rally on Boston Common, I still have the words to Camilo in my head, feeling Mad Dog on the drums so close I could reach out and touch him, the vibrations running through my body.  I can see Camilo himself in his prison cell.  Morello orchestrates the controlled chaos with a passion that is infectious.  He likes to say he has hit on a winning formula, bringing great musicians together to change the world through music.

Morello tells me in the van that his brother Segeni finally tracked him down.   After they got together, he invited Morello back to Kenya.  In 2006, Morello and his mother returned to Kenya, this time to a warm welcome by his father.  Morello’s dad apologized for “forty-one years of not being my father.”   Morello’s lost Kenyan family, the source of his racial heritage, was found.  Morello is now working on a benefit album with a popular Kenyan singer to raise money for Kenyans in desperate need of relief.

It’s pouring rain as we pull off the main road in the van and are waved into the Boston Common by policemen in neon rain coats.  The organizer of the rally is in the front seat.  She explains that the weather has put a damper on turn-out.  Turning the last corner we see the sound man setting up with less than a dozen fans milling about awaiting our arrival.

“The show must go on,” Morello says with a laugh.  We all pile out of the car and run for the cover of the bandstand.  Morello yells to the fans to come in out of the rain.  As he plugs in his guitar, one of the Boston policemen approaches.  “Tom, I am a huge fan,” he admits.  “Thanks for coming out on such a terrible day!”

Twenty minutes later a handful of health care lobbyists arrive from the State House where there was a viewing of SICKO. They are carrying signs protesting the lack of health care.  Morello sings One Man Revolution. State Radio, Wayne Krammer, and Boots Riley groove to Morello’s guitar and his sometimes incomprehensible rhythmic shouts, their heads bobbing to the beat.  Everyone seems to be having a great time, despite literally playing for themselves.

I notice one old lady with a cane who must be eighty.  As Morello gears up for his finale, Woody Guthrie’s This Land is Your Land, he notices her too.  He asks her to come to the stage to sing along with him.  She makes her way up and he gives her a hug.  Morello always closes with Guthrie’s national anthem; breaking in the middle of the song to ask the crowd to sing along to Guthrie’s lost verse and “jump-the-fuck-up” to show the world that the revolution is on.  The night before there had been thirty musicians on stage, and several thousand fans, jumping and screaming the verse in a blur of exuberant energy.

In the pouring rain, all the musicians, the little old lady with her cane waving, and even the cop, all start singing and jumping at Morello’s unbridled joy as he sings Guthrie’s words, a rock star playing just for fun.  Later, packing up for home, Morello says, “This is about making people feel less alone in their convictions.  Never give up and never give in.”

 

July 10, 2009

Guest Blogger: David Cohen, Ready for My Close-up

Filed under: Guest Blogger, Uncategorized, Work — tmatlack @ 6:00 am
David During Filming

David During Filming

I am more comfortable in front of an audience – whether I’m on stage or in a classroom – than I am in almost any social situation.

But my life of denial took its toll on my ability to perform. I feared being looked at, and, when I was the center of attention, I would dissociate from the scene. In 1994, I won first prize in a National Writers Association contest for my story “The Late Bus” and attended the awards ceremony. I remember being there, but I have no memory of the evening after the moment they called me to the dais to accept my certificate and check.

I dropped out of academia in part because of the increased anxiety I faced just walking into a classroom. I could work well with words and ideas, but not so well with people, and I ended up with a career as a copywriter.

In 1999, I took a job as the site writer for govWorks.com. One of the things that sold me on the job was the possibility of meeting DA Pennebaker, who was producing a documentary about the company (Startup.com). I had missed a chance to be in one of his previous films (Rockaby, a documentary about the premiere production of Samuel Beckett’s play of the same name), because I arrived at SUNY Buffalo to study Beckett a year too late.

You can see me in the periphery of Startup.com, but had it not been for my fear of being seen, I might have had a bravura moment in the film. I had a private meeting with the CEO, and as I waited to go into his office, the directors of the film, Jehane Noujaim and Chris Hegedus, asked if they could film our meeting.

I didn’t think twice before saying, “No.”

I was meeting with the CEO to complain about my situation. The company was mostly made up of investment bankers and idealists, and the web production team was tossed from one division of the organization to another as it grew. I ended up working for someone I didn’t respect, and I was trying to get out from under that person’s direction.

I was walking into a meeting where I felt I wouldn’t be able to control my emotions (I was right), and I could not have done it if I were being witnessed and filmed. I was deathly afraid of being vulnerable on camera. The illusion of invulnerability was part of my male persona, though on the inside I was an open wound.

By last year, I had gotten to the point where I couldn’t go out in public at all. I left home only to go to my job, to see my shrink, and to buy food. In May of 2008, I got laid off, and I was a shut-in until a few months ago, when the needlessly radical act of putting on women’s clothing gave me the ability to go out in public again.

These days, I am forcing myself to be vulnerable. I obligate myself to perform whether I think I can do it or not. I have sat for two portrait photographers in the past two months, and later this month I am being filmed for a documentary about people who got laid off from the advertising industry and went on to do something unique. My unique thing is changing my gender.

Samuel Beckett’s only film script has an epigraph from Bishop Berkeley: “Esse est percipi” (“To be is to be perceived”). The main character of Film (played by Buster Keaton) spends the entire movie in a fruitless quest to avoid being perceived by the camera. That’s what I have been doing for the past few decades, but I am no longer in hiding. Now that I have discovered my gender, I no longer doubt that I exist.

And I am ready for my closeup.   -DAVID COHEN

 

Older Posts »