By PAUL KIDWELL
I have a question for you men who wear toupees or use some other means to try covering your baldness (hair plugs, scalp paints, reductions, and, when all else fails, the comb-over): Just who do you think you’re fooling? Do you actually believe that what sits atop your head qualifies as hair? It may cover the baldness, but it certainly does not hide it.
As one experienced in the finer points of rug-spotting, I can spy a toupee from as far away as 100 yards. Maybe it’s because of the Cro-Magnon hairline that most toupees create, or the fact that your “hair” remains as immobile as a car’s hood ornament, even in the stiffest wind. Or perhaps it’s that spot in the back of your head where fiction meets reality, the place where the wig ends and the real hair juts out, making it look as if a wallet is emerging from under your toupee.
Your attempt to pull the wig over our eyes isn’t working, and more important, you look like hell. So just stop it.
What I really want to know is why do you wear a toupee; why have you decided it’s better to be ridiculed and mocked—albeit mostly behind your back—than to acquiesce to genetics?
It’s because of women, right? You really believe that your looks are improved with that mound of faux hair crowning your head. You believe that by covering up the baldness, you become more appealing to the opposite sex. That has to be the reason. In your mind, your parents’ genes have dealt you the worst hand imaginable, and the only things you need to reach relationship nirvana are more hair and less scalp.
You couldn’t be more wrong.
Before we consider the alternatives to toupees and other cover-ups, I should pause here to say that I’m a member of the balding brethren; I’ve watched my hair twist and turn down the shower drain. I understand how a receding hairline, male patterned baldness, and that once dime-sized bald spot on the crown of your head that now resembles an exit wound from a Glock at close range can affect you. I watch as my hair retreats from all sides and angles, and in doing so I feel the collective pain of our plight. I get how this can chip away at your self-esteem, but I guess I don’t let it bother me much. When it comes to hair, I’ve been burdened with my father’s DNA, but I’ve adhered to my mother’s mantra, who urged her sons to, “Control what you can control, and let the other stuff go.”
I realize that as someone who lets the hair fall where it may I’m among a minority, but I’ve never had a women reject me for my hair’s lack of quality and quantity—at least not that I know of. Still, I will concede that more than a smattering of women show little interest in becoming romantically involved with a man whose best hair days are behind him. And God knows I have been rejected for far less convictable crimes than a thin head of hair, so I understand the fickleness of women.
But will a toupee really improve your chances with such women? You can blame hair loss on your parents, but your attempt to fix it with a wig puts the bull’s-eye on your back and paints a portrait of a man who is riddled with self-doubt and not afraid to traffic in deception. It’s not an attractive image.
I found a woman who likes me for the man, husband, father and all-around sexy guy who I am. She could not care less that the thickness of my hair is not what it was when we first met. You can do the same.
Any woman who puts hair before heart is not worth wasting one scintilla of mental energy, time, or money. Take my advice: Don’t try to attract a woman who could not see beyond the glare from your ever-enlarging forehead into the inner glow of your warmth, charm, intelligence, and all that other terrific stuff that makes you who you are.
Toss the rug and hold on to you dignity.
*****
Paul Kidwell is a public relations consultant and writer. He lives with his wife and son in Boston.
[photo by Alan Light]
Clever piece, Paul, but take a step back. How many bald men do you see at the head of the Board table? How many CEO's do not have a good head of hair — fake or real? How many bald President's have we had in the last 50 years? Thank you, Ike! As one in the balding society, I realize that my folical challenge does create some barriers that men with a full head of hair do not face. It just is what it is.
Now, would I choose to compensate for that by pretending that I have hair that I do not? No. And if I was trying to trick a woman into bed with a toupee, what would I tell her when I get her beneath the sheets and she finds she has been deceived (if in fact I get that far before the deceit is uncovered)?
But if you are going to ask the toupee question, keep going with it. Does driving a Porsche make me more sexy than driving a Chevy? Well? Does wearing Armani make me look more successful than wearing Men's Warehouse? Since you asked?
Comment by Roger — February 27, 2010 @ 2:30 pm
It is a competitive landscape we live in, and some of us will go to greater lengths to compete than others. I have chosen to draw my line at living with the hair (or lack of it) that my DNA prescribed. I do like my Lexus, though. And I prefer Mizuno irons over Powerbuilt. But that doesn't make me a fake or a fraud. Or, I don't think it does. It's just where I choose to compete.
I do agree with you that if a woman is going to choose her man by the amount of hair he has on her head (or if a man is going to choose his woman by her bra size), then it is highly likely that she (he) is not one worth pursuing, unless you are content with the temporal and momentary rush that comes with animal attraction — which is what it boils down to if hair (or breasts) are part of the selection criteria. The lion with the biggest mane is going to win every time!
Comment by Roger — February 27, 2010 @ 2:31 pm
Roger,
I would never forsake quality and as one who had (at least during my suit days) an aramada of Armani suits in my own closet and too many ties and custom made shirts to remember, it would be hypocritical to suggest otherwise. I think covering ________’s (fill in the deity) creation with a synthetic hairpiece does little to celebrate quality, as well as the man beneath. As far as the men in Board Rooms I have no empirical data to refute whether there is a greater tendency towards hiring fully-maned men as opposed to those less fortunate in that department, but then again I don’t necessarily use the male CEO as a barometer of achieving a certain level of manhood.
Comment by paul kidwell — February 27, 2010 @ 10:41 am
Paul – I enjoyed your piece (sorry) for more reasons than I can explain in the two minutes I have to spare. But there is a toupee related question to which I'm desperate to find the answer — What is an appropriate comment to a friend or business associate who suddenly turns up with toupee? I have been in this situation. I had a lunch meeting with client I'd known for years, spoke with weekly, but hadn't seen in several months. He appeared at the restaurant with what looked like a dead animal on his head. We shook hands, sat opposite each other at the table, and then I had to stare at this fur-helmet for the next 45-minutes. Or, try NOT to stare. I entirely distracted, sweating whether or not I should make a comment. Since he didn't mention it, maybe he thought the hairpiece looked natural, and by pointing it out I would offend him or hurt his feelings. And if I did make a comment, what could possibly be appropriate? 'Nice piece'? 'The rug looks good'? 'Did that come with a chin strap'?
I'd love to hear from some men who wear toupees.
Comment by Mike — February 27, 2010 @ 9:28 pm
i think your both argumentive pricks, are you yanks? thought so
Comment by bod — March 13, 2010 @ 10:16 pm
Paul, I am truly amazed by guys who sport toupees, and believe the "ads"…"Nobody will know you wear a hairpiece", Ok, and its like not seeing a "gorilla in your living room"…. I had a client who was @35 years old, wearing a curly toupee. It was spring and windy, will pollen, and tree blossoms blowing around….a pink blossom petal was nesting in his pitch black toupee, when a coworker was walking by, and said, "hey you've got something in your hair, and the guy went to pick it out, and the rug wearer pulled away…..well, the toupee shifted, and the coworker said "shit, you….he stopped short of saying…."rug"!!! My client left quickly after signing the contract….lol
Comment by paul — April 11, 2010 @ 2:23 am