The Good Men Project

By BOBBY BASKSHI

The TRU 2009 Global Teen Edition survey questioned nearly 16,000 teens ages 12 to 19 all over the world, and more than 80 percent of them said Mom is the most influential advice-giver when it comes to decisions about the future.

Dad was number two. He did receive much higher scores from teen guys than from teen girls.

I’ve been thinking about these survey results since reading about them last year.

First, I think it’s great and no surprise that the primary nurturer (by nature) is reported as the primary influencer on our youth. My wife and I, the parents of three little ones, have a pretty traditional setup of roles and responsibilities: She is fully with the children, and I earn a living so we can have the life we desire. It works really well. I do my part in the evenings and on weekends, which mostly involves playing with them. She is always with them–with the exception of a few hours of preschool and other activities.

I have sensed for some time that even if I do the best job I can to be the best father to my kids, she will always have more time with them. And I love that they have at least one of us giving them such dedicated time.

Next, I look at this survey and am thrilled that boys give higher scores to their dads. A part of me wishes dads scored higher than moms as influencers, and I am humbled by the importance teens put in looking up to Mom. But it’s is affirming that both parents are the top-two influencers of our teens.

I’m sure that if the survey asked about the impact on a teen guy’s masculine identity, Dad would rise to the top. Clearly the presence of a male role model, ideally a dad, is critical to the positive development from boyhood to manhood.

Finally, I wish the data measured the impact or discussed the impact of both Mom and Dad being present during those critical teen years. By present I mean emotionally as well as physically. I believe it is ideal, especially for boys, to have both the feminine and masculine modeled throughout those developmental years.

One of the first books I read on my search for my masculine identity was Absent Fathers, Lost Sons by Guy Corneau. The author does a great job of describing the many levels of a father’s absence and the impact each can have on a boy’s development.

It took me until I was 40 years old to wake up to my father’s absence, because it was very subtle. He was always physically there; my parents were happily married until he passed away, and he was regarded as a saintly man by all who knew him. I knew and still believe he was a great man. But I didn’t realize until after his death that I desperately needed an emotional and physical bond with him. He didn’t know how to give it, and I didn’t know how to ask for it.

I will stop here, except to say that it’s tempting to theorize about the different responses from different countries, but in the absence of deeper questions that might get at what’s behind those differences, I will let this sit for now. In the meantime, I continue to seek ways to better understand the depths of the masculine journey one man at a time, starting with myself.

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Bobby Bakshi, is a marketing professional in the technology industry. He has specialized in segmentation research and has been at Microsoft for the past eight years. He is a certified facilitator of several training and leadership programs and is a Co-Active Coach from the Co-Active Training Institute. He has coached and trained executives in the United States and India, particularly men. He is currently working on his first book, Getting to Your 101%, which will be released by June 2010. Bakshi lives in the Seattle, Washington, area with Judy, his wife of 20 years, and their three children. He is an active member of the ManKind Project community in the Northwest. Read more of Bakshi’s writing at The Resonant Man.