1.) Who taught you about manhood?
I learned manhood from both my fathers (my mother remarried)–particularly excellent men!
One was a very successful doctor and politician from whom I learned critical thinking skills, a man’s role in the family, and community and belief in myself–and others.
The other was a salt-of-the-earth kind of guy. He taught me many important lessons, but the most significant was this: Your word is all you have–and all you need. He was absolutely right.
2.) Has romantic love shaped you as a man?
Absolutely! Both for good and bad! Romantic love can be a very powerful source of inspiration, and it can also be just as much a negative thing. It’s not the love itself; it’s learning how to manage it–including the changes it inflicts on us men–that’s important. I strive to teach this to my viewers/readers every day.
3.) What two words describe your dad?
Dad number one: goal-oriented. Dad number two: clear vision.
4.) How are you most unlike him?
Interesting question! Frankly, I hope I’m not much different from them at all! They were rare examples in a sea of bad ones. Perhaps if anything, I see myself striving to be like them every day, whereas these great men were naturally this way–effortlessly.
5.) From which of your mistakes did you learn the most?
No doubt: my relationships. Women are incredibly flexible creatures, and even when I wasn’t a willing student, they taught me. While I made tons of mistakes, I also began getting many things right. The perspective of the difference is the key.
6.) What word would the women in your life use to describe you, and is it accurate?
Masculine. Yes, it’s very much so. I have certainly learned what it is to be a man–and how to express that to women in their languages as well as my own.
7.) Who is the best dad you know, and how does he earn that distinction?
Perhaps I’ve already answered that: my own. They rarely lectured me, choosing instead to set the example. When they screwed up (as we all do), they set about to make things right. Being a man isn’t about being perfect; it’s about doing as much as you can well and fixing what you don’t. I call that character.
8.) Have you been more successful in public or private life?
I have been equally successful in both public and private life–and equally diverse. While being successful in my businesses, I’m also a Los Angeles county commissioner (chairing my commission). And I have sat on numerous other boards, commissions and organizations in leadership rolls, but always with an eye toward service to my fellow man. In relationships, I’ve learned to both give and to accept the things my partners need and have to give. While that can be very difficult, it’s also a very high level at which to live. I hope all men strive for it.
9.) When was the last time you cried?
When I was a child. Crying doesn’t fix the problems; action does, and I haven’t found a need to cry when I’m “doing.”
10.) What advice would you give teenage boys trying to figure out what it means to be a good man?
First, don’t rely on the media to provide good role models of what it is to be a man. We have a highly feminized world today, and the media is quick to promote a female perspective rather than a male one. Second, there are great role models out there, if you look. They aren’t the ones making the loudest noise, however. Kanye West is just one example to avoid, for instance.
These are the men who are doing rather than talking. They are often not as easy to find because of this, but if you look hard enough they are there. When you find one, grab hold and become a sponge for examples to live by. If you temper that with good judgment, you will become a great man–and good example–yourself.
*****
Dr. Dennis Neder is the producer and host of BAM! (Being A Man) TV and the author of Being a Man in a Woman’s World, Volumes I & II and 1001 Places and Techniques to Meet Great Women. Dr. Neder notes that he has had more than 30 years of success in the worlds of business, dating, sex and relationships, sales and marketing, psychology, sociology and human interactions, giving him a unique perspective on men’s relationships with women. And, he points out, he has proven his dating and relationship techniques in the toughest market: Southern California.
In addition to starting and building a number of successful businesses, he also has held positions on numerous boards, commissions and committees, and is a commissioner for the County of Los Angeles.
Dr. Neder recently joined the faculty of Loveology University in Hollywood, California.
Hi Dr. Neder,
I enjoyed reading your answers to Tom's questions. I am puzzled though in the way you represent yourself on this site and the very different way you represent males on your web-based television show. I will say that I have watched only one episode and struggle to see how young boys/men would take away lessons as you speak of in this article. I can appreciate our different approaches…I just struggle to see how "colorful" language and discussions of porn makeovers are valuable to young boys/men that are in dire need of appropriate role models who speak against negative stereotypes instead of promoting them. Thank you for making me think.
Warm Regards,
Dr. Rod
The Normal Male
http://thenormalmale.wordpress.com
http://twitter.com/thenormalmale
Comment by thenormalmale — February 6, 2010 @ 7:44 pm
Hello Dr. Rod!
Thanks for your comments and an excellent question!
My show isn't for young boys but is geared exclusively to adults – men AND women. We deal with adult concepts of dating, sex and relationships in a mature, no nonsense way. When young people write to me, they get a different "Dr. Dennis" than adults get.
To that end, remember that TV, radio, film, etc. are entertainment mediums first. While having the goals to educate and build better individuals, you can't reach them via pure education alone. People resist and tune out. Instead, you have to grab the viewer with a style that entertains and challenges the mind; thereby engaging it at the same time.
My choice to use "colorful language" is one key to this. Consider that "colorful language" is still "language". English is a particularly fact-based way to express concepts and lacks many tools that other languages have. I resist the definition of "good" and "bad" language formats seeking instead to be understood while entertaining at the same time. Interestingly, I also resist the notion of "good" and ""bad" people, "good" and "bad" choices, etc., seeking instead to try to see things through the gray mist that is the individual. While many may disagree, I believe this provides a unique level of respect that generic culture denies so many today.
Coarseness, vulgarity, vernacular and even metaphor; while not everyone's cup of tea, are still aspects of the human experience. We don't shy away from these choosing to believe that adults; when left to their own choice, will find comfort and acceptance of their own place within that human experience. The fast growth of our audience and the strong letters of praise and support we receive bear this out.
The particular segment you speak of, "Porn Star Makeover" was done during our Valentine's Day show. It was certainly a different kind of show for us, but I'm glad you cited it as an example. We did a number of fun segments during that show including the "Anti-Valentine's Day Valentine's Day" – a way for couples to make Valentine's Day a personal, meaningful experience with their own "brand" rather than following the corporate directive to spend your way into favor with your partner.
We also did "Sex in the News"; a humorus poke at our sexuality and society's attempt to homogenize us all into the bland. Another segment on that show was an interview with "Pimpalicious"; a tongue-in-cheek perspective with my comedian-friend's pimp character.
The crowning feature of that show was the makeover itself where we took our pretty co-host, Lira and had a professional make-up artist come in and show our viewers both how easy it is to do this sort of "fantasy make-up" for themselves and how what you see in porn and even traditional TV is just an illusion.
Being an obvious "man of the world", I'm sure you'd agree that all women are pretty in their own, unique ways. We showed them how to emphasize their visual appeal while also exposing what is real from what is not.
Dr. Rod, thanks again for your excellent comments. I honestly appreciate and celebrate your perspective!
Best regards…
Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President/CEO
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"
Comment by Dr. Dennis W. Neder — February 7, 2010 @ 3:55 pm
Hi Dr. Neder,
Thanks for your thorough response. I wasn't sure if you would respond since we have different approaches. I am in full agreement with your rationale for "colorful language" and its place for certain audiences. Personally, I am a professional who is often turned off by other doc's who want to go in the reverse and alienate their audience with "peer reviewed jargon" and concepts only appropriate for boring conferences and out-of-date seminars. I think, though, that one can swing too far thus reducing credibility. I would ask you this…even though you may win "entertainment points" for your approach…how would you say you are improving men's lives? Would you say your approach helps males as we enter a new day and age for our gender where we aren't the only "kids on the block?"
Dr. Rod
Comment by thenormalmale — February 8, 2010 @ 9:26 pm
Hello Dr. Rod!
You're right on the credibility factor! Personally, I prefer to let my body of work speak (sometimes profanely!) for itself.
Great question regarding how this approach is helping improve men's lives.
Just yesterday, I spent the day with a great man named Gary. Gary agreed to work with my Executive Producer and me to deal with is personal problems related to his dating/relationship life. He's had some very severe trauma that has left him completely ineffective; unconsciously moving from small failure to small failure in order to avoid any larger possibility of failure; and the possibility of huge success at the same time.
This is a pattern I happen to see every day by the way. It certainly isn't unique.
The same "character" you've seen on the show is the one that worked with him yesterday. Frankly, I don't know of another way to have reached him. To say he was emotionally numb; devoid of passion or even emotional involvement is an understatement.
By the end of the day, that had completely turned around for him. He now has a very different outlook on his future and has even given himself "permission" to be unhappy with where he's been. He's certainly a success story but is not unique. I've worked with over 30,000 individuals and the vast majority getting to equal levels of success. This is far more about them than me of course, but the greatest factor I see contributing to the lack of success is the homogeny in approach. I find that it takes a different approach to get a different outcome.
To that; do you know what the #1 complaint I hear from women today is? Simple: that men no longer know how to be men. They are right of course. Where are the male roll models? Where are the examples? The point isn't to get men to be like that character, but it certainly gives them indirect permission to explore those more-male attributes that these women complain are lacking.
Best regards…
Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President/CEO
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"
Comment by Dr. Dennis W. Neder — February 14, 2010 @ 6:18 pm