Garry Prater and his wife, Victoria
By Garry Prater
I want to be completely honest with you, I told my fiance. The thing is, I like to look at porn. My attempt at honesty, initially met with reluctant acceptance, would subsequently shake our very foundations, but eventually become part of the bedrock of our relationship.
Masturbation and porn had been the perfect combination for a shy, awkward teenager to keep the loneliness at bay. The fantasy and sensation, combined with the safety of never having to deal with a real relationship, were an exciting brew. Later, a seasoning of guilt was added as I tried to conceal my fascination for porn from my girlfriends or my ex-wife. It was my hideout, a refuge where I could temporarily let go of the responsibilities and anxieties of reality.
But I was tired of the concealment and the shame I felt. I took the chance to start our relationship with complete honesty. At first, since we lived in different states, it was easy for Victoria to feel little concern about it. But after we moved in together, even though I tried to conceal it, my porn use was constantly in her face. The nights when I stayed up late at the computer, the pop-ups and suggested web sites from the computers web history, made it evident to her that this was more than an occasional interest.
Victoria told me how she felt about it and asked me to stop. I resisted at first but agreed for the sake of our relationship. It couldnt last though. I still thought about it. Every sexy commercial or TV show was a reminder of the promise of porn. I looked at other women with desire. It felt like I was hiding a big part of myself from Victoria, and I was resenting her for it. Our relationship suffered. I didnt want to continue like this.
I cant just cut out what seems to be a big part of my life like this. Porn feels ingrained in me. Having grown up with Playboy magazines, locker room remarks, and sexy shows and moviesporn feels normal to me. It seems like an extension of so many commercials promising that happiness is in the image of a sexy woman. In our modern commercial world, sex sells; pornography, selling sex, is the logical conclusion.
I know that I should be satisfied living with the beautiful, sexy woman you are, but there is some deep attraction to porn that I dont understand. I know my looking at porn upsets you, but Im asking you to be patient with me as I try to become more aware of whats going on when I look at porn. I dont want to repress a part of myself or to hide this part of my life from you. I want to feel you accept me as I am, which includes knowing that I desire to be open and honest, and Im willing to change if I can understand why.
Im grateful that Victoria stuck it out with me even though it was rough going at times. We searched for help and answers in books and with counselors. It was a minefield. I couldnt understand why it was such a big deal, and she couldnt accept living with it. On both sides of the issue there were lots of opinions backed up with little real knowledge. All the advice seemed to promote ways to avoid porn or put up with it. None offered any real understanding of it.
The turning point came when Victoria heard something in a discussion with a practitioner of NVC (Nonviolent Communication) that rang a bell for her. Looking at porn is just a strategy for meeting needs; so if you can identify the needs he is meeting with it, you will have your answer.
The basic premise of NVC is that every human action or behavior is an attempt to meet important needs. To meet those needs, we learn and develop strategies that are more or less effective. But since most of this occurs subconsciously, we often continue with the same well-worn strategies even when theyre not effective, or even counterproductive. Once the needs are revealed, however, the strategies can be evaluated, and different, more effective, strategies can be developed.
The logic of this description made sense to my male brain. But the part about needs was difficult to grasp. The obvious answer was a desire for sexual release. But there had to be more than that, since I often viewed porn without masturbating, and sex with Victoria was certainly wonderful. It took a lot of work to peel back the layers until we understood the two primary needs that I was looking to satisfy with porn.
Porn was a strategy I used to meet my needs for intimacy and safety. Sure, I had intimacy with Victoria, but being close to her made me feel scared and vulnerable. I learned early on that the people I loved could also hurt me the most. And here was Victoria, struggling to accept me, on the verge of leaving me. I couldnt feel safe with her. To insulate myself from this vulnerability, Ive been a loner much of my life. Even in numerous relationships with girlfriends, I held myself back, reserved.
Understanding the links between needs, strategies and behaviors was the beginning of tremendous emotional growth for both of us. The journey started slow and haltingly at first; its hard to change lifelong habits. I began to recognize that each time I chose porn to meet certain needs, there were other needs that suffered: honesty, integrity, and my desire to care for Victoria, and for women in general.
Im happy to say that I havent indulged in porn for over a year, and I dont miss it. I have been tempted, especially as we have researched this issue in our mission to help others struggling with the same situation. But each time, I realize that it wouldnt satisfy my needs the way it used to, and that there are other, more important needs to meet.
This new understanding of the connection between our basic needs and our actions goes way beyond the issue of porn. Victoria and I have developed surprising levels of empathy, compassion and understanding that affect our daily lives positively. We have a happier, more loving relationship than we ever imagined possible.
My original attempt to be honest with Victoria was with the hope that she could accept me as I was then. I could not have envisioned the journey that began at that moment, and the result that I could finally accept myself and feel pride for who I am.
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Garry Prater lives happily in Florida with his wife, Victoria. Coauthors of Love and Pornography: Dealing with Porn and Saving your Relationship, they have created a website, Get Help with Porn, dedicated to helping others who struggle with the effects of porn on their lives and relationships.
Interesting.
It sounds like you had a problem with porn that negatively impacted your daily life and your relationship. But I'd venture to guess this was an extreme and not the norm. I'm married with a kid and I still occasionally look at porn. But I don't think it's a negative thing. I don't feel it's shameful, it's not hurting my relationship and my wife knows I do it. Hell, she encourages me to watch porn because when I do so, it's usually during a time when she cannot (or doesn't feel like) partake in sexual activity. She knows all it is is a release and I'm not cheating her out of any intimacy or emotional connectivity.
I like that you described your activity without being preachy. Some people think porn is cheating and that is just crazy. Thanks for sharing.
Comment by Daddy Files — January 22, 2010 @ 12:47 pm
Garry,
Thank you for the courage to share such a personal experience. Your struggle with pornography begs the question; "why does it seem that men have such problems with various forms of addiction?" Be it alcohol, drugs, gambling, etc., there is not a vice that our gender has not explored and failed at controlling. You point out that your use of porn was as a replacement for intimacy and personal safety. I know as men (and clearly, this man) we often find breaking down our barriers to allow intimacy to flow a challenge. I suspect it's far easier to replace that need with an ilicit movie, a few too many drinks or nights out at the casino. At the same time, I know we have evolved – as you have Garry – as a gender to not give into the notion of the male's addictive DNA which heretofore has led us astray. Question for you, Garry. Did any of your male friends who may have known of your struggle intervrene to help you? Others in similar situations, guys? Would love to hear your stories.
Comment by paul kdiwell — January 22, 2010 @ 2:55 pm
Every time I read one of these stories about giving up porn, there are the replies from men assuring the rest of us that it doesn't apply to them. Why write in, then? This obviously unsettled you. Why not take the opportunity to look into why? Just because your wife is also not dealing with your lack of intimacy, doesn't mean she likes your porn use. Sorry, but no woman does. She's not being honest with you.
Comment by Liz — January 22, 2010 @ 3:09 pm
Great reply, Paul. I'm not quite clear about your meaning on "the male's addictive DNA," but here's my take on it.
I don't believe porn or other vices are in our DNA. In our society, having needs is seen as a weakness; so awareness of our needs is repressed. But it is our nature to strive to satisfy our needs. Once we find something that works, we're often stuck there because we don't have the awareness to evaluate how well it's working. Finding a way to discover my needs in any situation (even though it's difficult sometimes) has changed my life for the better in many ways.
Thanks for your questions. I have not been comfortable sharing this with anyone else. Except for a few discussions with others while writing our book, Victoria has been the only one aware of this struggle. Now that the book is published, the website is up, and I'm posting blogs about it, I guess it's time to let my friends and family know about it too. I feel anxious, but also relieved and confident.
Comment by Garry — January 22, 2010 @ 5:03 pm
Garry,
Thanks for initiating this honest exchange around such an evocative issue. The introspection it takes to be that articulate about your struggle is significant. The courage required to put it out there is equally impressive. I believe you are on to something important. The difference between striving to satisfy needs and addictive behavior is a matter of degree, not of kind. When it becomes an addiction, it takes control of your life and your relationships.
Stepping out with this kind of self-discovery is not something men are very good at. But as you have discovered, there is something life-changing about it. Thanks for the invitation.
Comment by Roger — January 22, 2010 @ 7:46 pm
Thank you for sharing your story.
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Comment by SIA — February 1, 2010 @ 7:02 pm
I am so glad to have found your website and just reading your story has made me feel more relaxed about my feelings. I am in a situation at the moment where my boyfriend and I are expecting a baby and the problem with porn has been a demon in our relationship for most of the time. We have had countless arguments about how much time he is spending looking at and downloading porn to the point where he ends up being closed off and snappy and I end up breaking my heart and not knowing what to do. I am finding it completely impossible to deal with the search history on my laptop and despite his constant promising that he doesn't need it and it's all over, a few days later we are right back at square one. We are at loggerheads over this and I really don't know what to do. I am so happy that I have found your site and can now begin to understand the deeper side of his addiction. Thank you both.
Comment by Sarah — February 9, 2010 @ 7:09 pm
We are so pleased to hear that our website and book are helping you. As you and your boyfriend gain understanding of the important needs that are being expressed through his attraction to porn and your anguish about it, you will find that you have more choice about how to meet those needs that are more in alignment with your values about respect and integrity.
We now look back on this challenge as an opportunity for growth that we wouldn't have wanted to miss. Our love and respect for each other has achieved a level that we did not realize was possible.
Please keep us posted on your situation and contact us if you have any questions we can help you with.
Our best wishes for you, Garry and Victoria
Comment by Garry and Victoria — February 19, 2010 @ 11:02 am
I discovered that my husband of 25 years had been looking at porn throughout our marriage, but hiding it well. He maintains that it was an occasional release when our needs weren't aligned, and that it wasn't a big deal. I view it as a huge betrayal – I feel that I've never been good enough, that he wished I was different, and that I've totally failed. I wish he'd never met me, that he had been freer to seek what I was obviously not providing. I thought we had the perfect marriage, a true and deep love, and now I feel that I've lost everything. It's been almost a year since I discovered this, and while our sex live has improved because we talk more about needs, I can't get over the feeling I have of failure. Why didn't I know he wasn't satisfied? How can he want to be with me?
I will buy your book and hope that it is as helpful as other posts imply. This has rocked my world so totally, I don't know how to survive it.
Comment by Sarah — March 11, 2010 @ 2:32 am
I'm fine with my boyfriend's porn use and I enjoy porn myself. It's ridiculous how some people insist that only men truly like pornography; women are also sexual beings with sexual needs, and I find that pornography has only made our relationship more open. We're comfortable enough to not be threatened by it.
Comment by Elly — May 4, 2010 @ 2:32 am