Noah and Trevor at a Cal Bears football game
By NOAH BENTLEY
The death of my father when I was 15 catapulted me into the role of super-serious kid and thrust me to become a very driven young adult. I eschewed alcohol, drugs, and interpersonal relationships, and with laserlike focus I climbed through my task list of success: college, first job, graduate school, professional certifications and, after some job-hopping, the job of my dreams, at age 28.
Some 13 years later, unmarried and with no prospects, I was working long hours and traveling extensively for my company, and I was socially as well as emotionally isolated. Although I had been relatively close to my nieces and nephews, as close as I could be with them thousands of miles away; I had never really thought about kids in my life. But when I turned 41, it hit me hard that I wanted a kid. I realized that I needed something in my life that really mattered.
About that same time, I offered to assist a coworker who raises funds for the local Big Brothers Big Sisters (BBBS) chapter. While helping out, I was introduced to a BBBS board member who asked about my interest in volunteering as a mentor, in becoming a big. I was hesitant at first, but I decided it could not hurt to start the process; I could stop it at anytime.
After several months of screening and training, I received a phone call asking if I wanted to hear about a potential little brother match for me. The BBBS case manager described in very few words a boy who lived and went to school near my workplace and home. He was 13 years old. His parents had been divorced since he was very young, and his father had suddenly passed away just six months earlier. I had expected a kid maybe 8 to10 years old. What could I know about a soon-to-be teenager? I asked for time to think about the situation before making a decision.
After a few days of reflection, prayer and discussion with my family and close friends, I decided this was something I needed to do. I phoned the case manager and agreed to meet her, my little brother (whose name, I learned, was Trevor) and his mom at their home.
On the day of the meeting, I was distracted during work and accomplished very little. I left work a few minutes early and met the case manager in front of Trevors house. Trevors mom answered the door and told us he wasnt home. She explained that Trevor was supposed to be home already, but that he went to see a movie with a group from school. She invited us in, and we sat at the kitchen table, where the case manager went through some paperwork.
I was growing increasingly nervous. Trevors mom seemed to go out of her way to explain what a great kid he is and that she couldnt understand why he wasnt home already. Meanwhile, I began to doubt that being a big brother was for me.
As much as I wanted to bolt from the house, I remained steady and tried to appear calm. Finally, after all the paperwork had been reviewed and there was a lull in activity, I asked, Is this something that Trevor wants? Is he interested in a big brother? Trevors mom assured me that he did, but I remained timidly skeptical.
After what seemed like hours but could have been only a few minutes, the door opened and Trevor walked in. We awkwardly shook hands, and I introduced myself. Not knowing what to say, I looked him in the eyes and told him that I was nervous, but I was very glad to meet him. We posed for a photo.
Protocol called for Trevor and me to leave the house for a short time alone while the case manager had a private conversation with Trevors mom. Not knowing what to do with a kid, I had planned a trip for us to a nearby ice cream parlor. But Trevor had already filled up on sugar at the movie theater, so instead we drove to a local park and walked around the trails in awkward, jerky conversation. Trevor told me about his best friend, about his grandparents, about his favorite college, and about the sports that he likes. I asked lots of questions but did very little talking.
When we returned to his house, Trevor showed me his sports equipment and gave me his cellphone number and e-mail address. I promised that we would do something the next Saturday. We exchanged stiff goodbyes, and I left for my own home.
I hadnt slept well the night before meeting Trevor. The night after meeting him was equally sleepless, as I replayed all of the moments during our first meeting and contemplated the future.
On that Saturday (February 14), the prologue for the Tour of California bicycle stage race was being held in our hometown. I picked up Trevor, and we drove to the venue. We watched the time trials for the race, got a hot chocolate for the drive home, and stopped to buy a small bouquet of flowers to present to his mom for Valentines Day. It was my first opportunity to explain about flowers and why girls like to receive them, especially from their sons.
What followed for Trevor and me were lots (and I do mean lots) of text messaging, trips to the arcade, go-kart racing, movies, lunches, and Jamba Juice. We went to football games, some where he played and others where we watched our favorite college team. We admitted a mutual love of ice cream and peanut M&Ms. We spent countless hours doing homework (especially math homework), building a mouse-trap car, and surfing the web for YouTube videos. Trevor reintroduced me to WWE wrestling, something I had not explored for 25 years. We went to haunted houses at Halloween.
It has now been about a year since I first met Trevor, and I cant imagine my life without him. I know his friends and teachers and have met almost all of his family. With his moms permission, Ive given him a few stick-shift car driving lessons. Weve also raced KART cars, rode a zip-line, and been whitewater rafting and indoor skydiving at a wind tunnel. He has cheered me on at the finish line of a marathon.
Recently Trevor asked me what it was like for me to get started with the Big Brother program. I explained how it happened and told him about my most impressive memory: that the counselors were all women and that when I had questions about what to do with a little brother, they could never really articulate how I should interact with him. It was almost as if there was some secret man code to which the counselors completely deferred.
I explained to Trevor that when I continued to ask questions about what to do with a little brother invariably I was told that we could go to a park and toss a football. I admitted to Trevor that I never thought of myself as a particularly manly man and that I generally suck at ball sports. He laughed. I think the biggest reason we bonded so immediately is the complete lack of pride, showmanship and attitude between us. To each other, at all times, we are nothing but simply who we are.
Since that day, though, Trevor routinely makes me practice football plays in the backyard. He giggles when its my turn to tackle him and I pick him back up from the ground and set him on his feet. My passing has gotten better, although I still need pointers from him about how to position the ball property in my hand before throwing it. My catching has never improved.
I entered the BBBS program to satisfy some of my need to be a dad. It didnt work. Now I want to be a dad more than ever. Id like to have a kid of my own, someone just like Trevor.
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Noah Bentley spends most of his time in EL Dorado Hills, California. When hes not working or hanging out with Trevor, hes an active runner, cyclist and yogi. Two of his favorite websites are http://www.mentors4youth.org and http://www.adoptuskids.org.
