1.) Who taught you about manhood?
The many people I know and work with continue to teach me about manhood. I’ve also learned from the experiences I’ve had growing up, and from the struggles and challenges all men face on the road to becoming a man. My greatest teacher, though, was my father.
2.) Has romantic love shaped you as a man?
No doubt. Romantic love is the ultimate test of being a man. You have to give of yourself to another person, allow yourself to be vulnerable, and be willing to risk loss.
3.) What two words describe your dad?
He was both strong and kind.
4.) How are you most unlike him?
He was fearless and confident no matter what adversity or hardship he had to face. With memories and experiences we shared together, I’m learning to get there. With each new day, I do find myself becoming more like him.
5.) From which of your mistakes did you learn the most?
Staying too much in my own head. Many men do this. They sometimes go underground emotionally, pull inward, and don’t let others in. As a psychologist, I’ve been trained to be an expert thinker, analyzing and sorting out complex information all the time. That can keep me in the background and distant. But in my real-life, that won’t work.
I’ve also found myself trying too hard to fix everyone’s problems. Men fall into this trap frequently. We’re tool-oriented and solution-focused. But we need to learn ways to be available, be present, supportive, and not show up to every situation with a hammer and saw.
6.) What word would the women in your life use to describe you, and is it accurate?
Caring and nurturing, and as someone who can be counted on. I hope it’s accurate, and believe it is.
7.) Who is the best dad you know, and how does he earn that distinction?
No doubt, my father, Sonny Rao. He was a dad to more people than I can count. He always helped the underdog, saw the good in everyone, and was the first to lend a helping hand. Among his many gifts to others, he founded the Beacon Hill Little League in Boston. This was in the 1970s, and he started a baseball league because he saw many kids who had nothing positive to do living in the city. He funded it mostly with his own money, coached all the teams, and it grew into a citywide program now serving hundreds of families. The City of Boston honored my father shortly after his death, in 2002, by dedicating a ball field in his memory. The Sonny Rao Little League Field is the very field that he pushed and fought to have built on Boston Common.
8.) Have you been more successful in public or private life?
I believe my public and private lives have been equally successful. My family, loved ones, and close friends are treasured relationships. My work and career has also afforded me the privilege to meet and help hundreds of children and families over my 20-plus years of clinical work and teaching. Balance is the key. One supports and nourishes the other.
9.) When was the last time you cried?
When my father passed away, and subsequently around the anniversary of that loss. They are tears of both sadness and joy. I have many happy memories and so many wonderful lessons of life that he taught me. In that way, I’ve come to realize that he’s never left.
10.) What advice would you give teenage boys trying to figure what it means to be a good man?
You can’t become a man until you step away from the crowd. Learn to be independent. See yourself separately and nurture and trust your own beliefs and ideas. Keep close to you only those friends who treat you with the respect you afford them, and move away from those who ultimately do not have your best interests at heart. Seek out good, honest, and caring men to learn from and to model. They will show you the steps of becoming a man. Choose men who are kind and strong at the same time, and who know the difference between real manhood and bravado.
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Dr. Anthony Rao is the author of The Way of Boys: Raising Healthy Boys in a Challenging and Complex World. He holds a Ph.D. in psychology from Vanderbilt University and trained as a pediatric psychologist at Boston Children’s Hospital. For more than 20 years, Rao worked in the Department of Psychiatry at Children’s Hospital and served as instructor at Harvard Medical School, where he trained psychologists and physicians in the use of cognitive behavior therapy, or CBT.
He is the founder of Behavioral Solutions in Lexington, Massachusetts, a private practice that uses CBT to help children instead of relying solely on medications. Rao consults with families all over the country and has lectured at numerous colleges. He regularly presents at conferences and parenting groups, and conducts workshops for professionals who work with children.
Rao has been the featured expert on documentaries for the A&E series Investigative Reports and MTV’s True Life series.
