The Good Men Project

"Men write about the big turning points in their lives as well as how they navigate the day-to-day pressures of marriage, parenthood, and careers."

The Boston Globe

May 26, 2009

Guest Blog: Zander Shapiro “The Good Mensch Project”

Filed under: Coming of Age, Guest Blogger, Relationships — tmatlack @ 5:00 am
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A Park in Germany, guys becoming men without all the stress...

The Good Mensch Project – Alexander Shapiro

Kicking the tires of the The Good Men Project from my home in Hamburg, Germany, I keep coming back to the need to define what good is on a personal as well as social basis. I think a lot of men become bad men because they have not sorted out their own moral guidelines and personal definitions of good and evil. They leave so much up to the media instead of carefully thinking things through before beating up themselves  or others.

One of the things I like about being a “good man” in middle-class Germany is that it is simply what one does and what it is to be a “Mensch” (person). Being normal is not a statistical mean but someone who is decent. The number of people who fail at being a “Mensch” does not excuse men from behaving badly. Saying you are sorry does not wipe the slate clean.

One should receive the Mench or Good Man title from others. If you talk too much about your personal trials, tribulations and successes you are usually not taken very seriously. I wish my German friends and colleagues would stop asking me to explain why Americans need to talk so much about Yoga. They think yoga is about wellness and is supposed to be preparation for meditation, not ego broadcasting.

When you have kids or enter a serious relationship, defined by clear and understood commitments, you take on responsibility or “Verantwortung.” No commitments, no relationship. As a fast-talking New Yorker, I adore the accepted importance of “Verantwortung” and have a hard time finding an appropriate translation. Parents in Germany are legally and financially responsible for the actions of their children until they are 18. Germans often ask me why I worry so much about strangers when I have more than enough “Verantwortung” with my family and friends. Germans give less money to charities than Americans do, but they spend more face time with their parents and especially grandparents.

National Socialist (Nazi) rule still affects Germany. Local government is not as directly influenced by public opinion as it is in the US. Time/value calculations are often debated endlessly and not quickly projected into the future by experts with risk premiums. Old-boy networks often slow down German improvements but also soften blows when radical change happens. Being social is seen as having both good and bad sides, and a “Besserwisser” (someone who knows better) is not always seen in a positive light. These and other factors make it difficult for Germany to promote modern German heroes and good men. What would America be like without superheroes and megastars? How should good men be celebrated?

Germans have learned to be skeptical of themselves first and Americans second. Nice environment for an Upper West Side Manhattan Jew who had the neighborhood and values he grew up with so pimped, pumped and primped that they no longer feel like “home”.  Is it ironic or normal to find and then build a new home in the northern port city of Hamburg with a Southern Bavarian women who comes from a Catholic village with fewer than 1,000 inhabitants and more than 1,000 farm animals? Am I a Good Man or Mensch because I left New York City?

 

May 25, 2009

Daily Blog: Our boys need AN EDUCATION!

Filed under: Childhood, Daily Man — tmatlack @ 5:00 am

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Carrying mixed emotions, I went to a recent lunch round table with freshman U.S. Senator Michael Bennet, a Democrat from Colorado.  He’s a Wesleyan classmate who I barely knew.  I admired the work he had done with the Denver public schools,  but still, the lunch was all about raising $$$.  So I was skeptical. But given my belief that education is the biggest issue our country faces, I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to press the “eduation” Senator on his solution to the travesty that is America’s school systems.

Citing Obama’s unexpected strength in dealing with the UAW, I asked Bennet whether he felt the Democrats were ready to deal with the teachers’ union directly.  He made clear that we all should be ashamed of what has happened to our school systems and that no one party can be singled out. But he did say that in Denver he has asked kids and parents to address all the constituents to break the log-jam, and that he stood firm on creating teacher pay, training, and certification systems that made sense.

On a national basis, he pointed out, there looms a division within the Democratic Party, between the “Labor” and “Civil Rights” members of Congress.  He felt hopeful that there could be a compromise but, in the end, he felt it was up to the Labor loyalist to find a way to compromise with the Civil Rights members of Congress.

Amen to that.  Our first priority has to be the at-risk boys across this country who are put behind the eight ball by sub-par instruction at broken schools.

 

May 24, 2009

Daily Blog: Idoltry

Filed under: Coming of Age, Daily Man — tmatlack @ 5:53 am
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A Real Idol

I went to the American Idol finale at gun-point, or so I was prepared to claim to any friends and colleagues who had spotted me on TV in the audience. (Of course, to ask me about my presence at the Nokia Theater would have been an act of self-incrimination, an admission by the inquirer that he or she was among the 23 million philistines who watched the show.)

The truth is my ticket to the finale was the result of a philanthropic endeavor that culminated amid financial chaos.  The event, a charity auction for the pediatric care unit at Mass General Hospital organized by my wife months in advance, occurred the week after Lehman Brothers went under.  When it came time to bid on the lot containing the Idol tickets, a package that under any other circumstances would have put a substantial dent in the funds needed to help save critically ill babies, my wife’s paddle went up and remained aloft out of loyalty to the cause. But once the gavel had dropped on her bid, there was no question: We were going to the show.

So months later, I found myself on a flight from Boston to L.A.  If this were a reality show, here is where I would step in front of the confessional camera and admit my real reason for wanting to shun the Idol finale. It wasn’t snobbery; it was fear. I had heard that in-person exposure to Simon Cowell might very well cause my brain to be sucked instantaneously out through my eye sockets.  To prepare for the finale I had watched hour after hour of Idol on TiVo, taking breaks for fresh air to build up my immunity to Paula’s indecipherable drivel. “I went to Wesleyan,” I kept repeating to myself on the flight.  “I cannot be brainwashed by these evil spirits.”

As an Allison fan I had trouble choosing a favorite between crooked-smile Kris and Adam, the blond and freckled boy-next-door-gone-heavy-metal-Goth, complete with tongue-enhanced screams.  My plan was to maintain a clinical distance from the proceedings by wearing my Ray Allen Celtics jersey–to remind the locals of game 4 of last year’s NBA Finals–and tweet my friends back home about the insanity as it played out in front of me.  But the sign at the red-carpeted entrance to the theater stated: “No logos, no beach balls, no skate boards, no weapons, no cameras, no cell phones and no pdas.”  I’d have to go in naked and actually pay attention to the show.

I was shocked at the cavernous size of the theater, all lit up with blue Idol lights for the occasion. We sat 25 rows back from the stage, on the right side of the theater, just over Simon’s left shoulder.  At 5 pm local time, Ryan took the stage to begin the show, and I would be lying if I told you that my heart wasn’t beating out of my chest.  There’s nothing like seeing a national spectacle in person and up close.  The thought crossed my mind that I had found my way to our version of Rome’s Coliseum to witness the gladiators. I still wasn’t sure I liked it, but here I was, close enough to whisper my complaint into the Emperor’s left ear.   And I couldn’t deny the symbolic power of what transpired.

Listening to Keith Urban, a man who has found his way to an authentic life while being a star, sing with Kris early on in the show, I asked myself the question, “Is this art?”  And as I looked around I realized that America has decided that it most definitely is.  Across the country, men, women and children from all walks of life had given serious consideration to what they found to be a moving performance. Idol might be pop culture, but in a way it represents a cultural renaissance.  Kids were being taught that they could have an artistic opinion and, more than that, they can aspire to be artists themselves, with a voice and sensibility all their own.  Then Steve Martin came on stage to play his banjo with great sincerity, and my high-minded train of thought momentarily vanished.

But the performances kept coming, pairing huge stars such as Cindy Lauper and the band Kiss with Allison and Adam, people who were complete unknowns just a couple months ago.  In the end, though, it wasn’t the amazing lineup of acts that turned me around; it was the small moments that showed just how these handful of lives had been transformed, and us with them.

Consider Adam’s reaction when, despite his superior talent, America voted for the safer singer:  He was thrilled for his friend and competitor.  And then there was Kris, who, when he had finished the final song of the night, stood dumbfounded on the little stage behind the judges.  His wife made her way through the throng to her husband, and then the couple turned away from the camera, cheek-to-cheek, and hugged in a way that only those truly in love do.

At the after-party, I ran into Michael Johns, another thinking man’s singer from last year’s Idol finale, who was standing by himself.  I asked him what it was like to sing on that massive Nokia stage.  He looked me in the eye and said, “You kinda get used to it, but you still shit yourself every time.”  His answer offered a window into what it is like to go, overnight, from being one of us to being a star–while remaining true to yourself.

In the end, I had nothing but mad love for the Idol finale.  The performances of Adam and Kris and Michael Johns–and the show as a whole–gave me a momentary break from the war in Afghanistan, from global warming, and from securitized mortgages leading to the death of wide swaths of the economy.  No one was shot on the show.  No one used foul language. And sex was in the distant background (except when bikini girl came on stage only to be out sung by Kara).  In short, the show was good, clean fun–soothing even, if that term can describe an annoying Brit and his hand-picked group of foils.  And it beat the hell out of reality.

 

May 23, 2009

GOOD MAN: Jesse Kornbluth

Filed under: Good Men, Relationships — tmatlack @ 5:00 am
Everything I know about being a man I learned from women, and especially when we were stoned and in bed, fucking and/or talking.

Men approaching the AARP age, if my conversations with my brethren are at all typical, do not think this way. We’re above sex now—or at least above talking about it. When we take the measure of our lives, we speak of mentors and character and hard work, and if we can stand to offer a reason to explain the good things we’ve got without beating the drums for our personal excellence, we may even throw in luck. Thanking the women who took us into their bodies? When I mention that, guys give me the look that says, “You’re weird.”

If I were the careful sort, I’d assign sex-and-drugs to the rock ’n’ role phase of my life—and pretend that phase had ended long ago. Because in the Gospel according to Media, life has this arc: When we were children, we acted like children and smoked dope and lay with women whose breasts bounced free and easy under their tie-dyed shirts, but now we are men, and we have put away childish things, and drink Bordeaux to self-medicate and need Viagra to rouse us on those rare nights when we feel the urge to bend one into our wives.

Nonsense.

From: Sex and Drugs Made Me a Man

 

May 22, 2009

Daily Man: Meditations on “Once in a Lifetime”

Filed under: Childhood, Coming of Age, Daily Man — tmatlack @ 5:25 am

davidmagesWhen “Once in a Lifetime” came out, in 1980, I was 16 years old and just trying to figure out how to talk to the opposite sex (which actually would take me a couple more decades, and arguably I still can’t do it).   I remember listening to the song over and over again with my brother Will, two years my elder and my idol. I loved the sound and feel of the music. But I had absolutely no idea what David Byrne was talking about. Thirteen years later, I had the wife, the house, and the large automobile–none of which turned out to be mine. As a result I ended up in a shotgun shack. Okay, a week-to-week rental in Providence, Rhode Island.  I had to discover, for real, who I was instead of who the world told me I should be.  That has been the hardest, and most rewarding part of finally growing up.   And in a sense it has brought me right back to where I started, only this time with roots and meaning.

So when I listen “Once In A Lifetime” now, as I did with my 15-year-old daughter while driving her to school this morning, I finally know where the hell all this water is flowing and what he means by “Same as it ever was.”  At this point I am just letting the days go by…

ONCE IN A LIFETIME

You may find yourself living in a shotgun shack
You may find yourself in another part of the world
You may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
You may find yourself in a beautiful house, with a beautiful wife
You may ask yourself; Well…How did I get here?

Letting the days go by/let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by/water flowing underground
Into the blue again/after the money’s gone
Once in a lifetime/water flowing underground

You may ask yourself
How do I work this?
You may ask yourself
Where is that large automobile?
You may tell yourself
This is not my beautiful house!
You may tell yourself
This is not my beautiful wife!

Letting the days go by/let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by/water flowing underground
Into the blue again/after the money’s gone
Once in a lifetime/water flowing underground

Same as it ever was…Same as it ever was…Same as it ever was…
Same as it ever was…Same as it ever was…Same as it ever was…
Same as it ever was…Same as it ever was…

Water dissolving…and water removing
There is water at the bottom of the ocean
UNDER the water
Carry the water
Water Remov-remov
Remove the water from the bottom of the ocean

Letting the days go by/let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by/water flowing underground
Into the blue again/INTO THE SILENT WATER
UNDER THE ROCKS AND STONES/THERE IS WATER UNDERGROUND

LETTING THE DAYS GO BY/LET THE WATER HOLD ME DOWN
LETTING THE DAYS GO BY/WATER FLOWING UNDERGROUND
INTO THE BLUE AGAIN/AFTER THE MONEY’S GONE
Once in a lifetime/water flowing underground

You may ask yourself
What is that beautiful house?
You may ask yourself
Where does that highway GO to?
You may ask yourself
Am I right?…Am I wrong?
You may say to yourself
MY GOD!…WHAT HAVE I DONE?

Letting the days go by/let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by/water flowing underground
Into the blue again/INTO THE SILENT WATER
UNDER THE ROCKS AND STONES/THERE IS WATER underground

LETTING THE DAYS GO BY/LET THE WATER HOLD ME DOWN
LETTING THE DAYS GO BY/WATER FLOWING UNDER GROUND
INTO THE BLUE AGAIN/AFTER THE MONEY’S GONE
Once in a lifetime/water flowing underground

Same as it ever was…Same as it ever was…Same as it ever was…
LOOK WHERE MY HAND WAS

Time isn’t holding us
Time isn’t after us
SAME AS IT EVER WAS
SAME AS IT EVER WAS
SAME AS IT EVER WAS

SAME AS IT EVER WAS

SAME AS IT EVER WAS
SAME AS IT EVER WAS
Yeah the twister comes
HERE COMES THE TWISTER
Letting the days go by
SAME AS IT EVER WAS
Letting the days go by

SAME AS IT EVER WAS
Letting the days go by
SAME AS IT EVER WAS
ONCE IN A LIFE TIME
LET THE WATER HOLD ME DOWN
LETTING THE DAYS GO BY

 

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